June 1, 2025

Here are some strategies for becoming more assertive:

1. Make open and honest communication a priority.  Respect other people’s feelings and perceptions when you are sharing your feelings, wants, needs, beliefs or opinions, but ensure they know your feelings and perceptions.

2. Use “Active Listening” techniques.  Really try to understand the other person’s point of view and don’t interrupt when they are explaining it to you. 

3. Agree to disagree.   Just because you have a different perspective or point of view, opinion, or situational understanding, doesn’t mean you are right, or that the other person is wrong, it may just be different!

4. Avoid the blame-game. Be honest and tell others how you feel or what you want without making accusations or making them feel guilty.  Also, don’t allow yourself to feel guilty for the way you feel if it is different than how other people feel.  (What if you are the only one who is right?)

5. Stay cool.   Take time to think before responding.  Don’t let the emotional reaction interrupt the cognitive (thinking) response.  Then, breathe normally, look the person in the eye, avoid exaggerated facial reactions, and speak in a calm, relaxed, ordinary voice.

6. Make the response about the topic and not about the person.  Just because you are in a discussion, doesn’t mean it must be taken personally.  Try to think collaboratively rather than confrontationally, or positionally.

7. Use a problem-solving approach to conflict.  View the other person as your friend, or minimally a valued stakeholder and not your opponent.  They have a “stake” in what happens, so take that into account and value their viewpoint.  Knowing that you value them gives people a sense of give-and-take obligation.

8. Practice being confident and assertive.   Be confident about how you feel and think about a topic or situation and why.  Talk in an assertive way in front of a mirror or with a friend.  Pay close attention to your body language as well as to the words you say.  Body language (including facial expressions) and voice inflection makes up 93% of communication. 

9. Use “I, Me, My” statements. Stick with statements that include “I, me, my” in them such as ‘I think…’ or ‘This impacts me by…”  and “My perceptions and feelings are…”  Don’t use “you statements” and absolute language such as “You always…,” or “You never…” these just become accusatory and create an argumentative climate.  Tell people how you feel and think with “I, me, my” statements and/or what course of action, decision or other behavior, you feel is appropriate without being aggressive, demanding, or accusatory.  They will have greater respect for your position and this will improve your own confidence.

​

​

​

​

​

​

​​​Be patient. Being assertive is a skill.  Like any other skill, it needs to be used and practiced to be effectively applied. Just like any other skill, you will sometimes do better at it than at other times, but just like learning how to speak a different language, a new sport, a new job task, or any other new skill, you should always try to evaluate your own performance and learn from your mistakes.