Behavior-Based Leadership
and Followership
Training
Founded 2010
We support
October 15, 2025
Building Relationships Accidentally on Purpose
Introduction
We are frequently asked, “What is the best way to get to know our people?” O.K., quick quiz:
Select the one choice that is most appropriate:
A. Call people into the office and question them about their personal lives?
B. Wait until they come and tell you about themselves?
C. Make a conscious effort to be where they normally are, and informally ask about them?
D. Send them a “Survey Monkey” survey to complete?
E. All of the above?
F. None of the above?
And the correct answer is “C,” although this requires some very artful application.
At CMF Leadership Consulting we say you have to “Accidentally on purpose, get to know your people.”
What the heck does that mean?
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Accidentally: you should not call people into the office, or send them surveys, to find out about them or about their personal lives. What you should try to do is seize every opportunity to learn about your people as the opportunities arise. If you happen to be at the coffee machine or water cooler at the same time, don’t just nod and say “hey.” Say hello, and then ask them how things are, or how things are going, or if they are doing O.K., and then LISTEN…use active listening techniques for best results. Make this appear as happenstance, or as an "accidental" meeting.
O.K., but what about the “on purpose” part of that?
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On purpose: Your job as a supervisor, leader is to get things done through people, which means that you have to know what motivates your people. Which means that you need to understand the needs of your people. So, when we say “on purpose” we are saying that you need to make a conscious effort to get to know about your people enough that you understand what will influence them, and you can’t just wait around for them to tell you things. You have to actively (on purpose) seek out the information.
In learning about your people, you are building relationships. By building relationships you are creating a bond or connection with another person that may have some mutual respect, admiration or common interest. Bernard M. Bass the creator of “Transformational Leadership” said, "More attention needs to be given to the followers of transformational leadership and to the leader-follower relationship” (Bass & Riggio, 2005). People will be more likely to do things for someone as a stakeholder if they have already built a relationship with the other person.
So, when we say, “Accidentally, on purpose, get to know your people,” what we mean is to make a conscious effort to go where your people are, and informally ask about them. Learn who they are, what they are like, what interests they have. Learn about their families if you can, learn how they like to be treated, learn how they like to learn, or any number of different things that we get to know about each other through communication and active listening.
You have to make the effort (on purpose), but you don’t want to make it seem as though you are interrogating someone, this is where the “artful” application comes in. You have to try to arrange your situation, so that it appears to be “happen-stance” (accidental) that you ended up at the same coffee shop, or water cooler, or breakroom, or worksite, etc. You could invite someone to go for a walk to "stretch the legs..." Wherever you meet, make sure the conversation is focused on them. Listen more than talk.
Putting It All Together
Learning about your people is the first step in being able to influence your people as a leader. When you have a better understanding of their goals, needs, likes, dislikes, etc., it makes influencing and creating a situation for their motivation much easier for you, since you understand what makes them “tick.” So, by “Accidentally, on purpose, getting to know your people” you have a better chance of knowing who they are, their likes, dislikes, preferences, biases, knowledge, skills, and abilities, without just standing over them and or showing up on every job they do.
Getting to know your people takes time…and EFFORT…and is one of the most valuable expenditures of a leader’s time. Because if you get to know your people, and build the relationships, you have a better chance of influencing their behavior and accomplishing the goals of the organization through individuals, teams, and the organization.
Quotes to Put Into Practice
> “Saying ‘Hello” doesn’t have an R.O.I. [return on investment], it is about building relationships.” – Gary Vaynerchuk
> “The most important single ingredient in the formula of success is knowing how to get along with people.” - President Theodore Roosevelt